Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Little Kids Who Play Online Video Games Should Be Put In Prison

I have two visions of what hell will be like. The first is sitting in a DMV, waiting in a endless line for my ticket to be called with no hot chicks to stare creepily at to pass the time. The second - coming within seconds of being in total peace, fixed on participating in one of my favorite hobbies, only to have it ruined by some demon spawned kid under the age of 16 yelling profanities in a high pitched voice into my ear..... or as I like to call it - playing Xbox Live.

I like video games. I have been playing them ever since I was a little kid, wasting hours of my life on the Super Nintendo. After hours of wear and tear at school and later work, nothing quite relieved the stress like a mind numbing video game.

(more coming later... hold your horses)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Colorado Rockies Can Go To Hell

Being fortunate enough to live in the state of Colorado I have been privy to horrendous weather, stupid pothead liberals, over pious churchgoers, and homeless people who seem to duplicate like in a zombie movie. All of these things are pretty fucking annoying, but NOTHING compares to the hunk of dog shit that is the Colorado Rockies baseball franchise.

This team just pisses me off in every regard. Any time I am flipping through the channels or newspaper and have the misfortune to see their stupid faces, I just cringe. Here is a baseball franchise that was complete and utter shit for well over a decade with few to zero loyal fans. Then, out of nowhere in 2007 they went on a tear to somehow fall ass backwards into the World Series. To my delight they would be swept by the Boston Red Sox. However, before that would happen EVERYONE in the state of Colorado became a loyal Rockies fan. The stadium became packed, the news covered the team like never before, and children went to bed with big fucking grins on their faces knowing that their team had done the impossible. But there is the problem... This wasn't your team before they got good was it little kiddies? You could give two fucks about the team before! And just because they got good everyone got a big boner and started going crazy.

I understand that this happens in every sports town when a team gets good, but the fake happiness people felt about a team that hasn't done jack-fucking-zip ever since coming into the league really grinded my gears. Where the fuck were all you phony fans over the past decade? GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!

Now that I have gotten the phony Rockies fans out in the open, lets look at why the team itself is such a pile of dog shit. First off the jersey. I'm no Carson Kressley (One of the fruits from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy who I just IMDB'd), but when it comes to sports jerseys I can tell who looks cool and who doesn't. Some teams that come to mind are the Celtics with their green and white, the San Francisco Giant's black and orange, the St. Louis Cardinal's red and white, and finally the Oakland Raider's black and silver. All those teams look like they came to play sports, get dirty, and win some games. Enter the Colorado Rockies purple and black shit show. What fucking blind bat put these colors together? The players look like they just exited the local gay pride parade to come play some baseball. What fruits. They look ready to play with some balls, but just not the kind us sports fan are interested in.

The next beef I have about the jersey is that... it isn't a jersey anymore. I was watching a game the other day and noticed they happened to be wearing... vests??? Oh yes readers... A sports team getting trendy by wearing some cluster fuck of a jersey-vest mash up. STOP TRYING TO BE COOL YOU ASSHOLES. I'm hardly a traditionalist, but watching some designer try to F up my image of what a baseball player should look like really pissed me off. Just throw on a jersey, get a glove, ball and bat, and go play some baseball.

Now you maybe saying.. These beefs you have with the Rockies seem very petty and I am starting to lose interest. Well first off I will say fuck you because those two things really piss me off, but also, fair enough maybe I am being a bit nit picky. Enter 2006 USA Today article on the Colorado Fuckos. In this article it revealed that the Colorado Rockies had morphed their organization into one that greatly followed Christian beliefs and more specifically banned all men's magazines such as Maxim, and all explicit music.

If you want to follow Christian beliefs... fair enough, but to impose your will on others to follow those beliefs is where I and former Rockies 1st basemen Mark Sweeney have a big fucking problem. Sweeney was quoted as saying, "You wonder if some people are going along with it just to keep their jobs. Look, I pray every day. I have faith. It's always been part of my life. But I don't want something forced on me. Do they really have to check to see whether I have a Playboy in my locker?" Here's what I say to Mr. Sweeney's question: NO THEY FUCKING DON'T MARK BECAUSE YOU ARE GROWN MEN IN A PROFESSION SURROUNDED BY ONLY OTHER MEN. No women or kids are around to get offended by that kind of stuff so here is what those men who are should do... SUCK IT UP AND GO SPEND YOUR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON A BOSE HEADSET TO BLOCK OUT THE SATANIC MUSIC, A BLINDFOLD TO HIDE FROM THE SCARY MAGAZINES, AND A SHOTGUN TO BLOW YOUR HEADS OFF. Now, who was actually enforcing this crap goes on as a mystery, but the thought of it actually occurring on a professional sports team really blows my f'ing mind.

I digress. Maybe I am overreacting to the Christian mentality that the team wants to have. Maybe it will be a good thing for everyone if they treat each other with respect and as equals right? No. Fucking wrong. The hypocrites on the Colorado Rockies have been accused of one other teenie tiny wrong doing... They draft amateurs based not on their talent, but instead on race and religion. Just as Jesus would have wanted it right Colorado? Now are these accusations true? Well let's have a look at the starting lineup for the 2009 Rockies (I obviously have no clue to their religious affiliations but I sure can spot a skin color a mile away. I'll assume this team lives up to the shit appeal I give it and are all aware of each players religious affiliation):

C - Chris Ianetta (White)
1B - Todd Helton (White + Wears a cross around his neck)
2B - Clint Barmes (White)
SS - Troy Tulowitski (White)
3B - Garret Atkins (White)
LF - Ryan Spillbourghs (White)
CF - Dexter Fowler (Black... for now)
RF - Brad Hawpe (White)

How many of those starters were drafted by the Rockies? Try all. How many teams in baseball do you see with every single position except one with white home grown talent? The answer?.... One. Where is the Latin talent that has been so prevalent the past few decades on every single team in baseball? You guys just can't find any?

And don't get me wrong here. If the Rockies want to draft white Christians I'm all for it. Have a fucking ball for all I care. The problem I have is the phoniness that goes along their current strategy. If you asked any executive on the team your think they would admit to what they are doing? NOOO of course they wouldn't. To be fair here is the breakdown of the rest of the roster for you skeptics out there on the Rockies blatant favoritism of non-minorities.

White (6 players)
Latin (6 players)

White (2 players)
Latin (3 players)

So the ratio breaks down to 15 Caucasians, 9 Latin Americans, and 1 African American. I implore you to find another baseball team outside of Texas (come on it's Texas you almost expect them to be racist) with that kind of ratio.

My final beef with the Rockies is their mascot who is shown to the right... Enough fucking said...

So for having the bandwagon fans of the century, shitting your Christian beliefs onto others, not admitting your blatant racist drafting choices, and having Barney the Dino-douche for a mascot the Colorado Rockies have joined the fuck-o list. Hey Rockies.. Take your beliefs and stupid team and go to hell!

First Post Introduction + YouTube Is Shit

Hello there. Seeing as this is my very first blog post I'm assuming that by reading it you either have no life whatsoever or I forced you to read this shit... Well now that the big introduction is over, time to listen to my problems. Have fun and if you don’t enjoy it - good.

I have spent countless hours of my life procrastinating important tasks to view videos on the God of all online video sites, YouTube. Whether it be some hot chick talking into a camera about something I could give two shits about but is fun to stare at, or some kook yelling profanities at his cats, or even some annoying kid who enjoys speeding up his voice while talking about seemingly nothing, just to piss me off (something I’ll be delving into at a later date) the exciting times are endless when on YouTube.

Well… not any fucking more they aren't. The genius’s at YouTube have decided in the past few months to expand their advertising space to cover the fucking video I am trying to watch...... WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING!?!? I know a lot of other video sites try this strategy because they aren’t as well known and need to be creative with their ad space, but even YouTube, the Zeus of all shitty video sites has now joined the fuck-o club.

Here’s a perfect example of what I am talking about. Today I decided to have a glimpse at the popular video section on YouTube to see what shitty eye wrenching garbage America is watching. One of the first videos was entitled “COMIC-CON is CRAZY!” Being that the “CRAZY” was all in caps and followed by an exclamation mark, I decided to strap in because I could tell this video was going be a hoot. I could hardly hold in the excitement. However, a few seconds into the video one of those piece of shit advertisements rose up, seemingly from the depths of hell telling me to go buy some Britney Spears tickets. In a haste to throw my concentration back towards the video, I went to press the tiniest “x” I have seen in the history of computer / Internet use ever, but instead ended up clicking on the “Ads by Google” link strategically placed right next to it. This opened up a completely different window for me, and guess what happened when I went back to the video??? THE FUCKING ADVERTISEMENT WAS STILL SITTING THERE, STARING ME IN THE FACE, MOCKING ME. SO NOT ONLY DID I HAVE TO CLOSE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WINDOW DOWN… I HAD TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE PROCESS AGAIN BY ATTEMPTING TO PRESS THE TINIEST MIDGET OF ALL INTERNET “X”s EVER.

I know what it was thinking too. “Hey you piece of shit! I know you’re not going to buy Britney Spears tickets, but I just want to ruin your whole video watching experience by sitting here taking a dump on the screen! Have fun and go to hell you fuck wad!”

So instead of attempting to deal with the Ad I decided to say fuck it, lost all interest in the video, and went to go watch some porn instead.

Does YouTube not understand they are ruining the one and only thing they sell? It is like if I bought a book and every few seconds an ad rose up from the bottom of the pages to mock me. It would drive me, you, and everyone else f’ing nuts.

Here’s a little bit of props to another site that hasn’t gone down the fuck-o route at who seem to be one of the few video sites left without horrible ad use. I really hope YouTube can change their advertising policy when whatever excuse they are using for it wears out, but until then go screw.