Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Colorado Rockies Can Go To Hell
Being fortunate enough to live in the state of Colorado I have been privy to horrendous weather, stupid pothead liberals, over pious churchgoers, and homeless people who seem to duplicate like in a zombie movie. All of these things are pretty fucking annoying, but NOTHING compares to the hunk of dog shit that is the Colorado Rockies baseball franchise.
This team just pisses me off in every regard. Any time I am flipping through the channels or newspaper and have the misfortune to see their stupid faces, I just cringe. Here is a baseball franchise that was complete and utter shit for well over a decade with few to zero loyal fans. Then, out of nowhere in 2007 they went on a tear to somehow fall ass backwards into the World Series. To my delight they would be swept by the Boston Red Sox. However, before that would happen EVERYONE in the state of Colorado became a loyal Rockies fan. The stadium became packed, the news covered the team like never before, and children went to bed with big fucking grins on their faces knowing that their team had done the impossible. But there is the problem... This wasn't your team before they got good was it little kiddies? You could give two fucks about the team before! And just because they got good everyone got a big boner and started going crazy.
I understand that this happens in every sports town when a team gets good, but the fake happiness people felt about a team that hasn't done jack-fucking-zip ever since coming into the league really grinded my gears. Where the fuck were all you phony fans over the past decade? GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!
Now that I have gotten the phony Rockies fans out in the open, lets look at why the team itself is such a pile of dog shit. First off the jersey. I'm no Carson Kressley (One of the fruits from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy who I just IMDB'd), but when it comes to sports jerseys I can tell who looks cool and who doesn't. Some teams that come to mind are the Celtics with their green and white, the San Francisco Giant's black and orange, the St. Louis Cardinal's red and white, and finally the Oakland Raider's black and silver. All those teams look like they came to play sports, get dirty, and win some games. Enter the Colorado Rockies purple and black shit show. What fucking blind bat put these colors together? The players look like they just exited the local gay pride parade to come play some baseball. What fruits. They look ready to play with some balls, but just not the kind us sports fan are interested in.
The next beef I have about the jersey is that... it isn't a jersey anymore. I was watching a game the other day and noticed they happened to be wearing... vests??? Oh yes readers... A sports team getting trendy by wearing some cluster fuck of a jersey-vest mash up. STOP TRYING TO BE COOL YOU ASSHOLES. I'm hardly a traditionalist, but watching some designer try to F up my image of what a baseball player should look like really pissed me off. Just throw on a jersey, get a glove, ball and bat, and go play some baseball.
Now you maybe saying.. These beefs you have with the Rockies seem very petty and I am starting to lose interest. Well first off I will say fuck you because those two things really piss me off, but also, fair enough maybe I am being a bit nit picky. Enter 2006 USA Today article on the Colorado Fuckos. In this article it revealed that the Colorado Rockies had morphed their organization into one that greatly followed Christian beliefs and more specifically banned all men's magazines such as Maxim, and all explicit music.
If you want to follow Christian beliefs... fair enough, but to impose your will on others to follow those beliefs is where I and former Rockies 1st basemen Mark Sweeney have a big fucking problem. Sweeney was quoted as saying, "You wonder if some people are going along with it just to keep their jobs. Look, I pray every day. I have faith. It's always been part of my life. But I don't want something forced on me. Do they really have to check to see whether I have a Playboy in my locker?" Here's what I say to Mr. Sweeney's question: NO THEY FUCKING DON'T MARK BECAUSE YOU ARE GROWN MEN IN A PROFESSION SURROUNDED BY ONLY OTHER MEN. No women or kids are around to get offended by that kind of stuff so here is what those men who are should do... SUCK IT UP AND GO SPEND YOUR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON A BOSE HEADSET TO BLOCK OUT THE SATANIC MUSIC, A BLINDFOLD TO HIDE FROM THE SCARY MAGAZINES, AND A SHOTGUN TO BLOW YOUR HEADS OFF. Now, who was actually enforcing this crap goes on as a mystery, but the thought of it actually occurring on a professional sports team really blows my f'ing mind.
I digress. Maybe I am overreacting to the Christian mentality that the team wants to have. Maybe it will be a good thing for everyone if they treat each other with respect and as equals right? No. Fucking wrong. The hypocrites on the Colorado Rockies have been accused of one other teenie tiny wrong doing... They draft amateurs based not on their talent, but instead on race and religion. Just as Jesus would have wanted it right Colorado? Now are these accusations true? Well let's have a look at the starting lineup for the 2009 Rockies (I obviously have no clue to their religious affiliations but I sure can spot a skin color a mile away. I'll assume this team lives up to the shit appeal I give it and are all aware of each players religious affiliation):
C - Chris Ianetta (White)
1B - Todd Helton (White + Wears a cross around his neck)
2B - Clint Barmes (White)
SS - Troy Tulowitski (White)
3B - Garret Atkins (White)
LF - Ryan Spillbourghs (White)
CF - Dexter Fowler (Black... for now)
RF - Brad Hawpe (White)
How many of those starters were drafted by the Rockies? Try all. How many teams in baseball do you see with every single position except one with white home grown talent? The answer?.... One. Where is the Latin talent that has been so prevalent the past few decades on every single team in baseball? You guys just can't find any?
And don't get me wrong here. If the Rockies want to draft white Christians I'm all for it. Have a fucking ball for all I care. The problem I have is the phoniness that goes along their current strategy. If you asked any executive on the team your think they would admit to what they are doing? NOOO of course they wouldn't. To be fair here is the breakdown of the rest of the roster for you skeptics out there on the Rockies blatant favoritism of non-minorities.
White (6 players)
Latin (6 players)
White (2 players)
Latin (3 players)
So the ratio breaks down to 15 Caucasians, 9 Latin Americans, and 1 African American. I implore you to find another baseball team outside of Texas (come on it's Texas you almost expect them to be racist) with that kind of ratio.
My final beef with the Rockies is their mascot who is shown to the right... Enough fucking said...
So for having the bandwagon fans of the century, shitting your Christian beliefs onto others, not admitting your blatant racist drafting choices, and having Barney the Dino-douche for a mascot the Colorado Rockies have joined the fuck-o list. Hey Rockies.. Take your beliefs and stupid team and go to hell!